All By Myself.
Cue "All By Myself" by Celine Dion if you need emotional stimulation while reading this post. Or just singing "Lonelyyy, I'm so lonelyyyy I have nobodyyy to call my ownnnn" out loud is appropriate as well.
It was strange roadtripping through Oklahoma all by myself this weekend. I loved getting to turn on loud music whenever I wanted. Turn music off when I just felt like thinking. Belt songs annoyingly and off key without screwing anyone's ears over. I almost burst into tears however, when I looked over at the other side of the front dash and saw little toe prints on the glass where Brett had put his feet on our roadtrip to Chicago. I never thought nasty feet marks on the glass could get me to tears so quickly.
Time apart will be so purposeful for us (and a bittersweet reminder of our two year long distance dating relationship). With us only being a few days in to Brett's Europe trip, I've been given some stellar time to reflect on my past two years of marriage and how much my life and who I am has changed because of my covenant to become One with Brett.
Just one hundred miles into my roadtrip, I realized how different I am without him. I didn't pack for my roadtrip until the day of, something Brett probably would have asked me to do at least a day in advance. I didn't plan out which road I was going to take, something Brett takes strategic-loving joy in doing. I almost forgot to refuel half way through Oklahoma because Brett is the one who always pays attention to that kind of thing. I realized how much responsibility he has gifted to our relationship. And I'm so grateful for it. I made it to and back from Oklahoma all in one piece- all by myself. But I'm not writing that to prove to anyone or Brett that I don't need him, I really do need him. Because he's my husband and other half. And we vowed to serve and love each other. He needs me and I need him. But this trip made me appreciate who Brett is in our relationship and what gifts he brings to the table- he plans ahead of time, looks up great places to eat, researches fun places to visit (most often with my interests in mind), and keeps up with the "not so fun" things in our marriage like making sure our bank account isn't too low or stopping to get gas.
He is my Babuh-Flave, and reflecting on his gifts in our marriage was so good for me.
I have been challenged this week to write down fears I have regarding Brett and I's relationship, because even though I love our marriage, there are still things about the intimacies of our marriage I am holding onto with anxiety- spiritual, emotional, and sexual intimacies (just some of the importance ones ya know?). Places in my heart I am afraid to show Brett that need to be explored. Expectations we need to communicate to each other and discuss because not talking about them keeps us from being able to grow and move forward.
I was also challenged to write out all the ways God has surprised me with how great a husband Brett is--- I THOUGHT he was great before we got married and couldn't wait to makeout with his face every day, but I can't tell you how wow'd I am when I take a look back and almost don't recognize the person I married. After only a few months of sharing his name, I thought, "Whoa, I got way more bang for my buck than I realized... he's a phenomenal servant and husband." He even painted Jesus in a new light for me because as my husband he is called to be like Christ is to the church- sacrificial and loving.